Ancient Chinese
Remedy
by Phil Temples
Twenty-one-year-old Kyle
Fitzgerald thought he was doing himself a favor
by following the advice of his college roommate,
Li Chin, in treating a bad case of constipation
using Li’s family’s traditional remedy.
“Do it, man! I know it
sounds gross but my grandma swears by it.”
So he did.
Kyle went to Chinatown,
purchased leeches, came home and stuck them up
his rectum. After several hours passed, Kyle
realized it wasn’t helping. In fact, his
predicament felt even more dire.
Kyle drove himself to the
local hospital. After a thorough examination, the
doctor shook his head and sighed.
“Wait here.”
After a while the doctor
returned, accompanied by an old Vietnamese nurse
who held in her hands a glass of foul-smelling,
brown liquid.
“Mister Fitzgerald, I
can schedule you for an emergency procedure
within the hour,” the doc told him.
“Or, you can hold your nose and drink this
stuff.” He nodded to the old woman. “Linh
assures me this will flush the leeches out. It
won’t kill you but it’ll make you wish
you were dead.”
“This is old
Vietnamese remedy. It treat Chinese remedy!”
She chuckled. “Young man—you want treat
constipation, no buy leech. Buy laxative next
time.”
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